Horrific vortex rips open space/time continuum

Texas Republic Party trapped in 1950s bubble

AUSTIN, Tex. (INS) – Recovery from damages caused by a swirling vortex that seems to have swept across Texas could take as much as 50 years to accomplish, experts warned today.

Scientists say the mysterious vortex seems to have hurled sections of the state into a time warp, trapping numerous people in a bubble-like projection of the 1950s.

“It’s as if a rip has opened in the space/time continuum,” says Dr. Emmett L. (Doc) Brown, renowned for his time-travel experiments conducted in the mid to late 1980s. “This rip seems to have sucked in an entire section of the state, but even residents not trapped by this freak phenomenon could feel the negative side effects of the tragedy.”

Brown and his colleagues admit they are puzzled by the nature of the vortex, which seems to have targeted a specific group – members of the Republican Party of Texas.

“We could almost believe there was a strange intelligence involved here, but when talking about the Texas GOP, it’s been previously demonstrated that there is actually limited, if any, intelligence to be found,” Brown says.

While the exact nature of the vortex remains a contentious issue, evidence for the impact it is having on Texas is growing. Brown sites the adoption of the Texas Republican platform as a case in point, noting it seems to have been lifted almost verbatim from a 1950s time line.

The open attack on homosexual individuals contained within the document is an example that supports this view, Brown says.

“When you look at their platform, it’s hard not to see evidence of the damage generated by this space/time vortex. This is the 21st century, but the Texas GOP document reads like something out of the McCarthy period. Wording like: ‘We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases,’ actually leads to the kind of hysteria not seen since Sen. Joseph McCarthy’s witch-hunt for Communists.”

The platform goes on to say; “Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans.”

Brown asks what’s next for Texas, the death penalty for those who commit adultery, as “ordained by God”?

Reached for another perspective, a spokesman for Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson, serving life sentences for the torture and murder of Matthew Shepard in 1998, said upon reflection the two men should have carried out their crime in Texas instead of Wyoming. Shepard, a 21-year-old political science student at the University of Wyoming, was targeted for the brutal killing by McKinney and Henderson because he was gay.

“Shucks, these were just a couple of good ol’ boys havin’ a little fun,” the spokesman said of the two killers. “If this’d been done in Texas, they mighta got a slap on the wrist, but that mighta been all.

“I mean, shoot, even the Texas Republican platform spells it out the way it oughta be. It says right there; ‘We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values.’ Them boys was actin’ out of faith and traditional values in their opposing queers (sic). I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no time warp thing, all I knows is them Texans got it right. Maybe that warp thing should spread up here to Wyoming!”

Further evidence supporting Brown’s theory regarding the Texas Republican party being trapped in a 1950s ‘time bubble’ is also contained in their platform. Brown quotes the following excerpts from the Texas GOP Official Platform as examples of a mid 20th-century perspective breaking through into the current time.

• We support the definition of marriage as a God–ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society, and we oppose the assault on marriage by judicial activists.
• Neither the United States nor any state shall recognize or grant to any unmarried person the legal rights or status of a spouse.
• We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.

“With this platform in place, it is apparent that even those not trapped in the ‘time bubble’ are in danger as a result of the potential fall-out from these 1950s-style statements,” Brown says.

Brown fears that recovery from this disaster could take more than 50 years as those trapped in the time warp slowly mature and catch up with the rest of society.

Note: Quotes from the Texas Republican Party Platform listed above are real. They are from 2010, not 1955.